34 Laughter – A Cat In The Hat Spin On Aging

Shifting through my email I found…A rhythmical spin on the “Cat in the Hat” nursery rhyme (Green Eggs & Ham) on aging, I got a real kick out of it so I thought I'd share;

(Aging) 

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh my God what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My mood is bad – can you tell?

My body’s drooping

Have trouble pooping

The golden years

Has come at last

The golden years

Can kiss my ass

 

NOTE:

Laughter is good for the soul, it keeps you vital and young at heart, find a reason to laugh everyday and pass the joy on to someone else. Do not allow drama and challenges ruin your whole day.

38 Politics?– Obama?- Out of the mouth of Babes

Sharing an email – I don’t know who comes up with some of this stuff but some of it is pretty funny. Just cleaning out my inbox and found this one, thought I’d share. What do you think?

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Email – Politics?

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her colouring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don't know”, said the stranger. “Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the job?” and he smiles.

“OK”, she said. “That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama... when you don't know shit?”

photo courtesy of the web.

32 7 KINDS OF SEX

Sharing an email….

Results of a recent research show that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And... last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is Canada Pension Sex.
* You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

38 Email from My Cousin - "If A Man Wants You"

Blessings all, am fixing to share an email here with you that I received from my cousin. Every once in a while she sends me these emails that make me go hmmmmmmm...... perhaps you've seen this already but I think its one of those things that warrants a second, third or even fourth mention as it contains some things that makes you think, (at least it should).

Ladies take note, fellas (Men) please weigh in if you got something to say you are more than welcome to add to the list of things “we” women need to be aware of.

• If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
• If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
• Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
• Slower is better.
• Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
• If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you, as you deserve then heck no, you can't 'be friends.' A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
• If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
• Don't stay because you think 'it will get better.' You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
• The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
• Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?
• Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
• Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
• Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
• You cannot change a man's behaviour. Change comes from within.
• Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
• Never let a man define who you are.
• Never borrow someone else's man. Oh Lord!? If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
• A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
• All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
• You need time to heal between relationships, there is nothing cute about baggage, deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
• You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you, a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary .not supplementary.
• Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr.. Right.
• Make him miss you sometimes, when a man always knows where you are, and you’re always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.
• Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Ladies ....Take heed…
It is said that this was written by a MAN so TAKE A HINT!

51 Sifting through my email.......

Sifting through your emails can be very time consuming. It literally takes hours to sift through my emails, although my home one is better than others as it is seldom shared and designated to a specific few it can be a bit tedious. Don’t even ask me about my email at work, I am yet to get through the 100’s I got when I returned to work in January, which is another story for another time. Preferably when I am not dead tired with a pulsing headache behind my right eye that is preventing me from sleeping making the idea of blogging preferable to feeling the endless jabs in the eyeballs while attempting to sleep.

Oops where was I........? Oh yeah! Sorry about that, I was sifting through my emails not bothering to open some instead just deleting them as they are from the same people who never bother to inquire how I am. Even when I reply sending my regards and inquiring about how they are there is no response except for another onslaught of emails.

After I finished my ritual trigger mouse click/delete, I opened one from my FABULOUS COUSIN. The woman is a dynamo, could hold her own, out run any man and smart as a whip but Lord at times she’s got outrageous sense of humor with a belly laugh that would tickle you down to your toes. So I am the latest recipient of her wit.

Here is her latest justification for her preference of wine to water. Enjoy……

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

• As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
• In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
• In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
• However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
• Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
• Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
• There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

See what I mean?

55 "The Rules" Male Version

Blessings all, not often I pass along an email, sometimes though when something tickles my fancy I like to share it and get some feedback on what you think.

I have often heard women complaining about men leaving the toilet seat up (like I am sure most of you have or agree with) and becoming so entrenched in sports that getting their attention is equivalent to retrieving a steak from a hungry rabid dogs’ mouth. So imagine my delight when I was sent this male version of “the rules”, I thought hmmmm........, it is worth sharing.

• Men what do you think?
• Women what do you think. Agree…? Disagree…? Valid to a degree….? Or pure nonsense?
• Something to chew on? Here it is…

These rules! Male version, please note.. These are all numbered "1” on purpose!

• 1. Men are not mind readers.
• 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• 1. Sunday sports it's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• 1. Crying is blackmail.
• 1. Ask for what you want. let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
• 1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
• 1. if you think you're fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
• 1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
• 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
• 1. All men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
• 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... really.
• 1. Don’t ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
• 1. You have enough clothes.
• 1. You have too many shoes.
• 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
• 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It’s like camping.

19 Miscommunication

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scribbled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found.

Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to...

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Inspire someone by sharing in my Gratitude Journal  something you are grateful for today.

20 The Recipe–Your smile for the day

A man is showering up in a locker room  with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn, Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.  I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow four inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. 
Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller!  I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you?  An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."  

Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed. "Damm it, Jim!, Crisco is shortening!"

MORAL OF THE STORY:
You got to follow the recipe and men don't listen!!!

13 In Need of A Smile–Part 1

Today is a sober day for me, on the heels of some concerning news – my friend is in the hospital. While waiting to get through to the hospital i checked my email and received this email from a friend, it made me smile in a moment when i needed one. She is in recovery,“thank God” - had brain surgery. *Sigh* in the spirit of keeping the soul light I thought I’d share the smile….

EMAIL - VODKA SIPPING PRIEST

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday the new priest took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Hope you were able to smile, Lord knows I needed one today. There is humour in everything and one can get a smile in the midst of a storm, a reassurance that no matter the plight everything will be alright.

For those who may think this is blasphemy please don’t go there or take it so seriously, try to see that in sharing the moment it is also sharing the faith and passing along information about the bible.

I’ll keep you posted…

30 LET IT GO

Bringing it forward – everyone once in a while I like to bring a post forward. The purpose? A reminder to myself, to keep the lessons fresh in me, to keep me moving forward. It is in the spirit of this remembering that I bring this post forward. Originally posted April 23, 2011I received this email and thought I would share it with you because I found it inspiring.

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us, for had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. It doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. You’ve got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something.. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it... Stop begging people to stay.

LET THEM GO!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains.......

LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth........

LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you……..

LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge…

LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction…

LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents…

LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.... ....

LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better.......

LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........

LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....

LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves.. ....

LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed..............

LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to........

LET IT GO!!!
'The Battle is the Lord's!'

By T.D. Jakes

3 Boobs vs. Willies - Laugh of the day

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration’ .