May 23, 2016

12 The Wisdom of Confiding in Others

GET PERMISSION, DO NOT ASSUME
Before you confide in someone ask the person if they are willing to keep your confidence. Now I realize that some of you may bark at the idea of asking someone’s permission in a conversation before you disclose your concerns/conflict etc., and may go so far as to think that it is ludicrous and obscene even, it is not.
I cannot tell you the amount of times I have heard,overheard, made privy to people’s complaint about their “friends”, “families”coming to them with their problems and how they feel burdened and oppressed by it. It is the reason some of you may have and continue to experience the friends/family members who are always too busy, never picks up the phone,sporadically return calls or have an endless slew of excuses why they couldn’t be there for you.
I am not saying do not share or you should not share, in fact it is a healthy thing to share as no one person is an Island. I am saying do not assume face to facethe person(s) with whom you would like to disclose with is willing to listen and or keep your confidence. Sharing is great, it helps to clarify and solidify things. It also lets you know that you are not alone in the world and the problem that you may think is unique to you may be more common than you realize. You absolutely should not suffer in silence, after all as I have stated before, no one “man” (universal term) is an island. You simply must choose your confidant wisely and again, ask, do not assume.
Example: (one scenario of asking)
Rhapsody:   “Hey Jane, how are you doing?”
Jane:           “I am doing great; you however don’t look so great, are you alright?”
Rhapsody:  “Truthfully no, I need to speak with someone about something that is troubling me, I could do with another perspective, will you be willing to keep my confidence, and this must stay strictly between you and I. It is ok if you don’t want to I will not be offended in fact I’d appreciate the candour”.
Something like that, now you don’t have to use those exact words, after all you are not me, just put your linguistic personality spin on it, as long as you remember to ask and not assume. You don’t want to end up as somebody’s casual dinner conversation. Now lets be clear, asking won’t guarantee that the person or persons you choose to confide in won’t betray your trust. It simply establishes from the beginning between you and the party/parties involved the boundaries set out in the conversation to which there was an agreement.
A couple of the reasons for asking:
1.    Respecting the person’s right not to be involuntarily co-opted into keeping your secret.There is a responsibility in consenting to be someone’s confidant that may clash with their personal relationship(s).
o  How you ask, simple, some husbands and wives, partners etc., have rules that govern their relationship that best works for them that you may not be privy too and one of those rules maybe full disclosure of everything said outside of both of them, even on best friends confiding their secrets, hence what you say to he or she will be discussed with the spouse/partner. If you do not have a problem with that then go for it. If you do have issues with it then you may want to choose someone else to confide in.
2.    Not taking the person or persons trust, time and willingness to listen to you for granted.
In the end, if confidences are betrayed, they'll be no question as to intent. Just as one should ask before disclosing, if the confidant is unable to help (if it is a solution based problem) and has a source that may have some answers, then that confidant must come back to you and ask for your permission to disclose in order to find a solution. If you in turn say no then it stays between you.
Mindfulness Thought
Be mindful that you treat every relationship in your life like a precious commodity and not take any of it for granted and give respect where respect is due.
D.S.B,S Rhapsody ©All Rights Reserved

12 comments:

  1. I think when you are telling somebody something deeply personal you must always ask them for permission... I know people who are extremely honest and state they don't want to know... some people can't handle the burden as they have a lot on their plate. Sadly you are right that there are many who will just run and tell it to someone else... we need to be very selective... It's good if you can find one or two people you can trust xox

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    1. Yes, the sharing of secrets should be a selective process because it can be a burden as you take on the responsibility of not repeating that which is shared with you in confidence.

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  2. I am terrible about keeping secrets, so if someone wants to confide in me, I tell them that I cannot promise to keep their secret, so please don't tell me. It works for me. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Well bless your soul, not everybody is that courageously honest.

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  3. Great post!! I'm not sure why but in my family everyone comes me with their problems without asking first. And now, I am at the point where I do dodge a lot of calls and keep it brief. It is a heavy burden to bear everyone's secrets and problems. They get mad at me now because I just straight up tell people to seek therapy for things like that I'm literally tired.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In all relationship one has to have boundaries. It can be challenging when you don't have healthy boundaries in place. It become more difficult as you learn to assert boundaries and teach those around you a new way there is bound to be some discomfort. While your family is upset as you set boundaries and hold strong to them they will soon learn to respect them as you respect yourself.

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  4. Wow. Serious wisdom is this. It's all about defining boundaries and being courteous. Thanks for the insight.

    Loooolllll. Lemme know when you become mayor. I would like to visit you.

    My True Life Runaway Story (2)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. May of? lol.....
      Whatever wisdom is bestowed upon me is by God's grace.

      Delete
  5. This is such good advice! I try not to burden anyone but my closest friends with confidences, I don't even have to ask them anymore because I know they would want to know. I love how you framed your question to get assurances before unloading problems. I can tell what a wonderful friend you are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kay.
      It is good to have someone to share your troubles and concerns with, we just have to ensure that those with whom we choose are willing to keep our confidences.

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  6. Very sound advice. As I read your words I find myself thinking has anyone ever asked me before spill out their truths.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you.
      One has to also to able to stop another from confiding in them as sometimes that knowledge can put you in an awkward position especially if there is close relations/family etc.

      Delete

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