Jan 28, 2013

34 Laugh, cry, shake my head and wonders why

A woman’s public washrooms dilemma….it’s so scandalously ridiculous I got to tell it. No, no shame, just keeping it real.

At Walmart-the bend crawl:

That time of the month, ran into a Walmart first act of business, answering natures call. I ran to the washroom thanking the heavenly father for “hold it power”, do my business; reach for the toilet paper…the roll is on the ground.  Yes, THE. ROLL. IS. ON. THE. GROUND. The big ass roll of toilet paper, on the blasted ground, granted it was standing up on one side not laying flat, thank God for small mercies but it was still ON THE GROUND. What do I do? In the locked stall I waddled to my purse handing on the door a few metres away because there was no hooks in this particular stall. My ass in mid air sticking out with no modesty, back low, knees bent, moving slowly, I reached my goal and retrieved my tissues.  Once I fixed myself I picked up the big ass roll of toilet paper, rolled it out and flush the parts that were on the ground and then propped it up on the hand rail behind the toilet. When I told my sister who was waiting outside for me, she laughed her blooming head off imagining me doing the bend over crawl/walk. She was laughing so hard I had to join in-what can I say, you got to laugh at yourself sometimes. Afterwards I reported to the powers that be in Walmart about the toilet paper on the ground and not in a holder.

At Work-Toilet paper caper:

Ever had issue trying to get a piece of toilet paper after you have used the washroom and end up fighting with the damn thing and cursing a blue streak? If you have then you will know my frustration if no well lucky you, me not so lucky.

After sitting at my desk a long time without a washroom break I was racing to the washroom, no time for chit chat, anyone trying to get my attention got a face full of teeth (forced smile) and a waving hand followed by a monosyllabic squeak “washroom” while I bullet through the doors. Unlocking the door I ran into the washroom, a quick one two check, seat clean-yes (even though I don’t sit I squat), toilet paper there-yes, all is right with the world. I do my business relief watering my eyes. I reach for the toilet paper and it tears. One tiny piece, I suck my teeth and tried again, again another small piece. Frustrated I moved myself being careful to remain hanging over the toilet bowl and I tried again, this time I am talking to myself, ‘come on, come on….just move dammit!’ nothing, it’s stuck.

I take deep breath turning slowly while keeping my derrière hanging over the bowl. With a determined reach using my right hand while my left held onto my clothes, I grabbed  the toilet paper roll, rolled it first right-nothing, then left-nothing, then right again and I managed to grab a piece without tearing it. Using my fist I push up to release it the toilet paper as it was getting stuck (the reason for the premature tearing) so it could move to give me more paper. I developed a rhythm, push up, release, pull, push up, release, and pull until I got enough. Gratified but exhausted I wonder, ‘why the hell does these kiss-meh-arse toilet paper have to be so difficult to rollout.’ I mean if the walls could talk they would be screaming for me to cover up all my stuff hanging out practically drip drying like a frigging idiot in a half stoop position trying to get a decent piece of paper to wipe my ass. What the hell is that about, it’s bloody frustrating; the only saving grace in the experience is that I was alone and didn’t have a witness to the show.

I wish they would come up with a better way for the toilet paper to roll out when it’s full and when it’s almost empty. It would make life so much easier. Later of course I laugh myself silly when I thought about my hunched over half naked exposed self from the waist down with my pants and panties around my knees held there by my left hand so it does not touch the ground. However at the time it simply was not funny.

Do you have a public washroom dilemma?

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