Jul 26, 2015

34 The Wisdom of Confiding in Others (Revisiting a post/introspection)

Blessings all. Today I find myself doing a lot of introspection and  in so doing I am revising this post first published JAN.25.2012 as it touches on many of the things I am ruminating about.
GET PERMISSION, DO NOT ASSUME
Before you confide in someone ask the person if they are willing to keep your confidence. Now I realize that some of you may bark at the idea of asking someone’s permission in a conversation before you disclose your concerns/conflict etc., and may go so far as to think that it is ludicrous and obscene even, it is not.
I cannot tell you the amount of times I have heard,overheard, made privy to people’s complaint about their “friends”, “families”coming to them with their problems and how they feel burdened and oppressed by it. It is the reason some of you may have and continue to experience the friends/family members who are always too busy, never picks up the phone,sporadically return calls or have an endless slew of excuses why they couldn’t be there for you.
I am not saying do not share or you should not share, in fact it is a healthy thing to share as no one person is an Island. I am saying do not assume face to facethe person(s) with whom you would like to disclose with is willing to listen and or keep your confidence. Sharing is great, it helps to clarify and solidify things. It also lets you know that you are not alone in the world and the problem that you may think is unique to you may be more common than you realize. You absolutely should not suffer in silence, after all as I have stated before, no one “man” (universal term) is an island. You simply must choose your confidant wisely and again, ask, do not assume.
Example: (one scenario of asking)
Rhapsody:   “Hey Jane, how are you doing?”
Jane:           “I am doing great; you however don’t look so great, are you alright?”
Rhapsody:  “Truthfully no, I need to speak with someone about something that is troubling me, I could do with another perspective, will you be willing to keep my confidence, and this must stay strictly between you and I. It is ok if you don’t want to I will not be offended in fact I’d appreciate the candour”.
Something like that, now you don’t have to use those exact words, after all you are not me, just put your linguistic personality spin on it, as long as you remember to ask and not assume. You don’t want to end up as somebody’s casual dinner conversation. Now lets be clear, asking won’t guarantee that the person or persons you choose to confide in won’t betray your trust. It simply establishes from the beginning between you and the party/parties involved the boundaries set out in the conversation to which there was an agreement.
A couple of the reasons for asking:
1.    Respecting the person’s right not to be involuntarily co-opted into keeping your secret.There is a responsibility in consenting to be someone’s confidant that may clash with their personal relationship(s).
o  How you ask, simple, some husbands and wives, partners etc., have rules that govern their relationship that best works for them that you may not be privy too and one of those rules maybe full disclosure of everything said outside of both of them, even on best friends confiding their secrets, hence what you say to he or she will be discussed with the spouse/partner. If you do not have a problem with that then go for it. If you do have issues with it then you may want to choose someone else to confide in.
2.    Not taking the person or persons trust, time and willingness to listen to you for granted.
In the end, if confidences are betrayed, they'll be no question as to intent. Just as one should ask before disclosing, if the confidant is unable to help (if it is a solution based problem) and has a source that may have some answers, then that confidant must come back to you and ask for your permission to disclose in order to find a solution. If you in turn say no then it stays between you.
 
Mindfulness Thought
Be mindful that you treat every relationship in your life like a precious commodity and not take any of it for granted and give respect where respect is due.
D.S.B Rhapsody ©All Rights Reserved

34 comments:

  1. A very well noted point! Also, people must use this same thing when posting items which may disclose item’s of privacy that otherwise may not want to have disclosed. The lack of true human concern these days is growing to overwhelming levels and people just need to stop and think about how they would want to be treated and respected on all levels of life!Have a wonderful and blessed day my friend!Greg

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  2. Very good. There are a lot of folks out here that really need this lesson. Peace.

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    1. Well we can all learn from each other and every once in a while we all need a reminder of lessons learnt but forgotten

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  3. This is an excellent post. I never thought too much about any of this. I have been burdened more than once by being told things I would have much rather not known.

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    1. That's exactly why one should ask instead of involuntarily cooping others into hearing their story.

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  4. Good morning…
    When someone is telling me something personal I will even go as far to say, “What you are telling me right now will not be spoken to another person.”
    It is so important that we have people around us who we can trust and confide. Unfortunately, there are few people we can truly trust. Shoot!!! I have family members who I cannot confide in because they will tell the world.
    “Be mindful that you treat every relationship in your life like a precious commodity and not take any of it for granted and give respect where respect is due.”
    Now there is a statement for us all to hold unto…
    Thank you for sharing…Greg

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    1. It is process of careful selection but sometimes even that can go sadly wrong. Its definitely a learning curve.

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  5. Hmmm, I like this idea. I am guilty of this, and I am also a victim of being subjected to listening to peoples troubles, and boy oh boy, do they pile it on! As for the confidentiality aspect, I don’t really have a problem with that, because I am one who is very fearful of drama and confusion, hence the reason I’m always alone! (I know, it’s sad, but true! And I like it that way too.)

    In the long run, I think it all boils down to knowing the person(s) you can really sit down and talk too, and of course, respect!

    But I really do like the notion of asking and not assuming that someone wants to listen to your issues, and not betray your trust.

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    1. One has to also remember to honor onself. It is a beautiful thing to be there for someone but not at the expense of yourself. There has to be balance.

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  6. Well!I think it’s sometimes confused that some people said things JUST BETWEEN YOU AND I But after few days times I heard from other people’s as same story thats means this person said to a few people to JUST BETWEEN YOU AND I ….
    Anyway you don’t discuss serious problems in the spaces ?
    I would rather talk to face to face.
    Have a great day,

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    1. lol, lol, Iknow what you mean. The trick is learning the distinction.

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  7. Isn’t this interesting as that is something I tend to ask others from time to time
    On this end I too like to be asked especially if it is a secret. I don’t really like secrets
    (not quite the same as a confidence) as they often involve others and I prefer not to know
    Great post and excellent advice.
    Be Well
    Barb

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    1. It makes a big difference doesn't it? When you are asked your are given the opportunity to really consider the act of keeping someone's confidence and it also shows that the person who wants to share is thinking about you as well.

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  8. You have to choose a confidant carefully. In fact I think a person would be a fool to confide in a casual aquaintence. There's a chance they'll spread the information or be put off by your request. That's what good solid friends are for. If you don't have any then you just have another problem.

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  9. This is really a good reminder to everybody. Frankly, I always feel uncomfortable when people tell me they want to tell me something they needed kept secret about someone.

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    1. It is important that you honor yourself in those situations by gently stopping the person rather than sit there uncomfortably while they offload.

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  10. Well written... I've actually started practising it this year, I've heard my gist off someone I didn't tell the gist to, so I've started telling my friends I confide in not to tell other people 'my business'

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    1. This is a very good practise, it also shows that you are being wise by taking note of the things that impact you. Self-advocacy is a good thing.

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  11. Hmmm, I have never seen it from this perspective before. I dont really go around telling my business, anyway

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    1. It is always good to see another way at looking at things. It is one of the reasons I enjoying blogging and meeting people. It allows for a more rounded view on things.

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  12. Wow...this is a great idea. I can see how this will give each person an opportunity important information only between them. I personally do not open up to anyone I don't trust anyways, I have learned the hard way. I am a private person so if I open up it is because I have a relationship with some I know will keep it between us.

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    1. Its called self-advocacy. One has to take the time to ask to ensure that the person with whom they would like to share their confidence is truly willing to take on the responsibility of keeping their counsel.

      I think as human beings we owe it to ourself to exert a certain about of cautiousness and not assume everyone is trust worthy or willing to keep their counsel.

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  13. heey... I have not been here for a while..
    had too much course work so i have been neglecting blog world.. *embarrassed face*

    I really enjoyed the post.. I'm guilty of burdening my friends with my problems lol.
    Thankfully I do not have alot of that but.. henceforth i will ask permission before i speak
    xx

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    1. Blessings and welcome back, yeah i know life at times can get real hectic real fast and once you hit your home you just want to crash and keep the world out.

      Asking helps.

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  14. this makes alot of sense because who ever you're talking to has a resounding obligation to keep your confidence which will minimise their chances of telling your tales

    Nice one, God bless you for sharing

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    1. Yeah we can be so guilty at just running off at the mouth without pausing to ask, "can i off load on you, are you up to hearing this, can you keep my confidence?"
      I have learned not to be offended if they say know and appreciate the gift in knowing that they were honest enough to say i can't keep it

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  15. Most people would be too polite to say no. I would suggest using common sense and past experience to decide who you can confide in.

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    1. The thing is, Common sense is not common at all. So yeah one has to ask and one has to have the courage, (politeness be damned) to say no I am not in the space right now to keep your confidence.

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  16. You are so right about this-a lot of times the people we share things with, are not in the least interested hence, the need to be careful about whom we speak to. No man is an island and there will be need from time to time to share with someone else on a deep level about issues that plague our minds. It is imperative that we identify a few people who are interested enough to not only listen, but give us a clearer and better perspective on the issue at hand. Sadly enough, such people are few, but over time, if we really want, we can learn to identify them.

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    1. Like everything in life, there is trial and error, ups and downs, highs and lows, the key is to not let it sour our spirit and not paint everyone with the same brush while simultaenously learing the lessons in the journey.

      great friends/family is hard to find.

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  17. Oh my!!!
    I wish that a lot of people would read this.
    I am overburdened with a lot of gists and secrets that I do not want to hear about.

    Thank you for the post.

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