Nov 5, 2011

20 When is Love not enough or Is it?

Some say love is the answer

That love heals all things

But …

When is love not enough

When does it fall short?

Or …

Does it?

Most of us are familiar with Tina Turner's song..."What's love got to do with it" I mean my definition i have is attributed to knowing her past of domestic abuse since the love she received was interpreted with blows "beatings". So I kind of see her point or rather the point of the song.

  • A woman say she loves her husband but belittles him every chance she gets, he loves her but is unable to continue living with the constant humiliation and all attempts at addressing the issue has failed. Should he stay because he loves her, should love be enough?
  • A man claims to love his wife and adore the very ground she walks on but yet he is constantly having affairs and has even given his wife a sexual transmitted disease from his transgressions. Despite his promise to stop and counselling he continues to cheat should she stay because she loves him, even though she might be clearly at risk for another STD or worst AIDS?
  • Some Mothers & Fathers fail to provide for their families not because of their inability to work but there unwillingness to see beyond their own needs so they invest in drugs, gambling, partying, and going out with the boys/girls while their family at home slowing decay/starve. Should the family who are the recipients of these treatments stay, not complain because they know they are loved?


I understand for every negative I use here there is a positive that can be told alongside it to show love endures but I am using the negative to show the things that challenges Love.

  • The man that calls his wife a bitch and a whore and then expects her to lay down and enjoy him
  • The woman that emasculates her husband/partner by turning his vulnerabilities against him
  • The child that is told that they are a worthless piece of dumb fuck and stupid everyday that is punctuated by a slap or a kick
  • The woman that is slammed against the wall by her husband who does it while saying "I love you"
  • The man who is beaten by his wife but is too humiliated to report it because he is laughed at
  • The family members that suppose to protect you deliberately make you the butt of the jokes by taking your hurts and making it entertainment during gatherings and family events.

These are the things that wear the human spirit down, that get people jaded and force them to walk away. Some recover and learn to love again; some are not that fortune because their hurt and humiliation run to deep without any hope or faith along the way to trickle in and help restore what once was.

The bible, 1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that about love, about its patience, its kindness, long-suffering, neither knowing envy or jealousy nor boastfulness or conceitedness.

Love in its ideal is not the question on the table here but rather love when its rocked by these common realities or dare I say our "humanness". I think the problem is our interpretation of love, which is influenced by our culture; tradition, philosophies and ethos because any form of ABUSE is not something I won't classify as love but the perpetrators of these acts do in fact designate their actions as love.

So my question is as above:

When is love not enough, or does a question such as this not exists?

Can the love of self be the equalizer? The reasoned?

  • Is loving the Self the key that will allows us all, especially those that are stock/trapped in cyclical toxic relationships to coherently rise up and choose their selves?
  • Would loving oneself wholly and completely allow one to escape or rather eclipse the twisted, toxic notions of love by those who’s physical, emotional and psychological interpretation of it means abuse and brutality?
  • What probably solutions you can offer to the ones who have experience this toxic kind of love?
  • What suggestions would you give if facing someone with these experiences that is looking to you for guidance?

Talk to me people, let me here what you have to offer on my query. I am most interesting in your take on this.....




  1. I see where you’re going with this. It’s interesting to see some people openly question our social perceptions and norms of "healthy relationships". But the fact is that there is no such thing as a norm for relationships… atleast no cosmic one. As a culture student I realize that love is simply a term that we use to define the emotion of intense desire: an emotion that we care not admit to since many people tend to feel guilty about it. Without the spirituality backing it up, love is just a frivolous word, meaningless. But again as a culture student I’ve also realized that it is of the outmost importance for humanity to have this sort of spirituality for identity… that’s where we get our concepts of learning to live on and "learning to love again"…. it seems to have a powerful connotation of faith don’t you think?To answer your question, no I don’t think love is ever enough. Love isn’t any more real as the god we warship. It’s just there because we say so: without effort or responsibilty. By that respect there’s no such thing as a healthy relationship either. We have to work to not only obtain what we want but to also keep it for as long as posible. Dante literally went through hell to get to his love, Beatrice. That fight through hell wasn’t only for her but to save his own soul as well. After hell he finds sysiphus, which symbolizes the labor involved to arrive at his prize. This is what true romance is about. I’m not talking about those crappy post-modern romance novels that have nothing to do with romance, I’m talking about the romantics who say that to get freedom and love one must fight and give a part of themselves.Rene

  2. Is love enough…. no! So many other things come into play in a relationship. Issues from childhood, freedom, fidelity, baggage from past relationships. I wish love was enough. I’m in the process of divorce right now, and my husband told me untill the day he decuded he wanted a divorce that he loved me. In fact he even told me after the fact. But when someone dissappers for weekends at a time and does drugs such as extsay and mushrooms every chance they get, love is certainly not enough. In then end I wanted him to grow up and he wanted to party more than he wanted to be with me. So if your life values and goals don’t match up eventually they may come between you.Human beings are so intracite and complex……… and constantly evolving. This makes it so hard to be in a healthy mutually fullfilling relationship for a long time.

  3. Sorry….. just wanted to add some advice and suggestions. Know who you are and precisely what it is you want before you consider making a long term decison. You can love someone with all your heart and soul,( as I did) but that doesnt mean they will make a good mate for you. Generally speaking healthy relationships are comprised of two healthy people. Your partner should make you feel like more of a person, not less of one. You should have a common vision of the future and common dreams, because compromise can only get you so far. when all these requirements are met…. if then you love the person with your heart and soul, passionatly….then you have a fighting chance.

  4. Love could not possibly be enough. I can imagine a situation in which love is not even required.Your goal should be to be happy. For the vast majority of people (I choose to believe) that involves love. But love is not the goal; we loose track of that. Happiness is the goal.

  5. holymoly! What a thinker! Going camping right now BUT I’ll come back and do some pheeloh-so-sophical perusing and commenting! Lust beats love hands down – as long as it’s non stop and always reciprocated. Booya!

  6. The personal decision as to what is enough changes from day to day and person to person. Even more so, what is enough from one person may never be enough from another. Happiness in the situation, joy in the security of the relationship, trust in the knowledge of the love and respect for the person are the standards against which you must judge the sufficiency of the love. Love thyself and others will love you as well.

  7. Hey!I’m just another "Blog pilgrim", passing by.I’m compelled to leave my thought on this matter. I’m my blog journeys, I’ve noticed this kind of challenging subjects are seldom found. It’s nice to see this many people interested in finding out more about themselves.I believe that the word LOVE itselfs is often misused. Most of the times we love the idea we hold of a person, and not the person itself. The woman who’s beaten up by her husband doesn’t love that particular part of their relationship (unless she’s masochistic, wich could happen). I’m sure that she loves the man he used to be (when he didn’t hit her) or the man he could become of he changed. So it’s not him she loves, it’s the IDEA she has of him that she loves. In this case I would say she’s IN LOVE, but not quite LOVING.I think that most of the people that claim to LOVE are actually IN LOVE. To me, Love takes a lot of time to be achieved. You must be In Love first, then find out that the person you’re with are not exactly what you thought they were, realize they have a lot of things you don’t like. If you go past this stage of dissapointment and accept them as they are (and this takes a lot of time, and it’s what causes most divorces) then you might say you Love them.So I would say actual Love IS enough, but it’s harder to achieve than we would think.And I have to agree with WizenedDragonPK’s comment. Everything is relative… or not.

  8. I think this is a good place to make a distinction between abuse and love. Abuse is using the concept of love to put yourself in a position of power where you then abuse that power. Abuse is not love, it is a manipulation of another person’s love. Abuse is opportunism. Love can be hard, but it doesn’t ever exist in an abuser’s heart. Abusers are selfish and love their own needs far more then they could ever love anyone outside of themselves.

  9. Love alone is never enough. There must be respect for each other and a true wanting to be all for each other.

  10. This is why God gave us common sense, He took His time to define what Love is in the scriptures. Anything short of Gods definition of love for us is a waste of time.

  11. The human mind and their body is not works same way that is cause a lots of trouble in the women between a men.
    I think platonic love is last long time than a started with clash sex love?
    It most beautiful Love is parents with child maybe I was wrongly in thinking this.
    Some people are loved themselves selfish?
    You can't measure of love anyway...
    Great post!

  12. Love isn't a feeling or an emotion. It's an action. In high school, a mentor used to tell me, "I can't hear what you're saying because your actions speak louder than your words." My opinion is that if it's the action of love then the person wouldn't belittle or cheat or abuse or self-abuse. The Bible also says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Do you treat other people like this? If not, then why do you accept it when they treat you that way? If so, do you really want them treating you that way?

    I was at a Sting concert recently and he was commenting about his 32-year partnership with his wife Trudie. He said that she knows what he needs, she's there to prop him up when he falls, she nourishes his soul. The audience let out a collective Awwwww. Then Sting said that she also knows how to completely annihilate him.

    Knowing how to completely destroy someone emotionally is power. But loving someone means controlling that power. If someone can't or won't control the ability to emotionally annihilate you, you should leave. Nothing is more important than self-preservation. Except preserving the emotional health and well-being of any children affected.

  13. No, love is not enough. You need respect. If you don't have that, you don't have much.

  14. The concept of love has deviated from its very essence into a mere feeling; and perhaps bunch of worded expressions. Love is a being... Therefore, its alive! It has to be lived - day by day; in bad times, in good times, rainy or sunny days. Love, in the concept of God is laying down one's life for the other. How many of us can truly lay down our lives (needs, wants, desires, selfish ambitions) for our spouses, siblings, parents, children and so on?

    Now, that's the question on the mind of Love Himself....

    - LDP

  15. 1st of,this is deep and secondly..i`m just gonna say NO love is not enough coz once people start doing all sort of things in the name of love then you would realize that they just hiding behind love whiles committing all sort of atrocities. 1 Corinthians 13:4 has the real definition,so anything contrary to that is not love.

  16. I didn't read the other comments first so i can say what's on my mind without distractions. i hope i haven't gone astray from the conversation?

    Love is never enough when it is just words, not backed up with positive actions.

    The love of self is unfortunately not enough too because people who love themselves still end up in abusive relationships (sometimes out of desperation)

    I don't know the first thing about an abusive relationship so i'm the last person with the 'right' answers to these questions BUT i'm a born again christian and i have a degree in psychology and all i can say it that clean, unadulterated love exists. But it takes the grace of God to make it work and when it goes sour, there is nothing anyone will tell you that will help you make the right decisions. Therapy, friends, family and church folk can tell you whatever they want but at the end of the day, you will make the decision yourself and live with the consequeces, good or bad. So the prayer is that when love goes sour, there's still some soul left to look up to the Lord.

    Turning to an invincible God seems like a hopeless thing to do when you can't just feel but also see your troubles but He is the only one that can heal the hurt you feel from the inside out.

    God bless you.

  17. Agape love is enough but very rare. Eros or storge love however, is the most common and it is never enough.

  18. Wow @Rene, Julie, Trevor, Dragonpat, First, Starleigh, Beth, Najafoodie, Michiko, The Gaelic Wife, Kay, LE DYNAMIQUE PROFESSEUR, Didi, Dosh, Tonilicious, Thank you all for your insightful perspective on LOVE, I have learned a lot that has opened a channel to viewing things with a broader eye. I value all of you and what you had to say.

  19. Hi
    I have been a regular follower of your blog. I think this is the BEST piece that you have penned! You know I work for a non profit. We had a workshop with our project participant women in March this year where we wanted them to tell us what their dreams were. Guess what they all said" Wish my husband would love me more!" I don't know what love is all about. But I feel that friendship with one's partner, respect for one's partner, ability laugh together at the same things, forgive each other( but drawing lines regarding what are absolutely unacceptable) are some of the things that are part of love. Love is not about sex ( though there is a physical part of love that plays an important role in our youth). When couples are like this children automatically feel the love and are stable. ( I am commenting from my wordpress ID)

  20. love is shown by actions not words..and love must have respect too..


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