Aug 29, 2013

38 DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF (TRY)

Now while I will be one of the first ones to say, “easier said than done,” I also see the wisdom in letting some things be because there comes a point in life when one must decide (for the sake of sanity and health) what to put down, what to pick up and what to simply leave alone or else you are liable to work yourself into an early grave.

sweating the small stuff

One of the things I often encounter with people in relationships is there incessant complaints of what I determined to be the “small stuff.”

§  Cap left off the toothpaste

§  Toilet seat left up.

§  Feeling ignored while television is on

§  left home alone at while partner/husband/boyfriend goes out with friends

Granted all of the above can be bloody annoying, at times seemingly inconsiderate and the unrelenting urge to shout and verbally castrate someone for the little committed sins of domesticity can be quite tempting. But guess what, sometimes it’s not all that serious and if it is then you got some evaluating to do to figure the real cause of your discontent.

I do believe that there comes a point when you have to pick your battles, set your priorities and make some agreements that allows you to move on from the dried out mundane arguments that can be burdensome to all involved. What is the benefit of working yourselves into such a state that you have veins popping out your forehead dividing it like the shoreline of a riverbank? or worst yet, having a totally irrational meltdown that have your family and even you if you are honest about it questioning your sanity?

Toothpaste:       

So your partner always leaves the toothpaste open and you hate it and it seems no matter how many times you convey this, it feels like it falls on deaf ears.

Ask yourself this, ‘If you been doing this for more than and still it continues, how long do you think it will take you to get the point where you understand that its not gonna happen? Hmmmmmm… At what point do you stop, re-assess the situation, shift gears and try something new?

Toilet seat up:

Ok so you have asks your partner tirelessly to please put back down the toilet seat and you’ve had some close calls involving almost sticking in the toilet bowl to which you get royally pissed and charge full steam ahead to give your partner a piece of your mind. While I am feeling that pet peeve, (trust me am feeling yah) and I can also agree 100%. I must pause however to ask; “If you’ve been asking for more than 6 months when will YOU learn? (Yes you) At what point will self-preservation kick in saying to yourself, ‘self, you are going to the bathroom please remember to check the seat before you sit.’ Hmmmmmmm….Just asking, am not saying you should have to and of the aforementioned however the apparent length of time you been living the reality should be enough of a warning to you to safeguard yourself.

BEING IGNORED:  (Now this is a big one)

Now presumably you are living with your partner for some time, so naturally you are familiar with their patterns and modes of behaviour (if you smart that is). I hate to sound like a broken record but people when will you buy a clue? If you are constantly getting ignored during these particular times when your partner is otherwise preoccupied, why do you continue to punish yourself? Why not change the times you want to communicate?

The reality is you cannot make your partner do what you want he/she to do, when you want he/she to do it because frankly the only person you can really control is yourself, so why not re-schedule the time when you partner is more likely to be open and receptive to hearing what you have to say instead of beating your head against the proverbial wall? 

Yeah your partner should probably be more sensitive to your needs and nothing should be more important, least of all a television show but we are talking about the real world here. I would love it if more people bathe, cover their mouths when they yawn/sneeze and excuse themselves when they want to fart but that’s not likely to happen just because I want it to now is it?

LEFT HOME ALONE: 

In a word, "Why?" what’s stopping you from going out? Are you not capable of taking yourself out? There are a myriad of solutions to every barrier you may think hinders you stepping out for a night with friends, tap into that brilliance and make it happen.

Get a life! Let’s face it, your happiness is your responsibility and if you want to go out and have a good time, then why you sitting feeling sorry for yourself, lower your self-esteem, diminishing your self-worth and getting all stressed out and feeling low waiting for somebody to invite you out?  Why would you give away your power like that? Do you think when your partner leaves to have a funking good time that you are on their minds? You think for a second that you are weighing heavy on their minds because you at home all by yourself feeling pitiful. Chile please, if you think that then money up cause I got some swampland to sell you as lakeside property.

Get a life! Get active, get purposeful and cultivate some interests-dancing/art/music lessons, yoga, poetry, book club, mentorship, participate in your community, volunteer etc,.

MY POINT…                        

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Decide what you want out of your relationship(s) and have the courage to speak it and live it, don’t make excuses and nitpick the small things to death, it will only turn your relationship toxic.

It’s important that you know and understand your worth.  It goes a long way in fortifying your happiness. As long as you sell yourself short and allow unfinished “things” to define and redefine your worth then you will always feel like you are getting the short end of life’s sad stick. Your life is your responsibility, yes when you are with someone you have agreed to share your life with them and make certain compromises but how does that equal forfeiting your right to decide and make decisions that ultimately makes you happy? How does that serve you?

Who says for you to stop breathing, making your own decisions and doing the things that makes you fundamentally happy. I am not talking of blind stupidly like acting in total disregard to your partner.

You can point the finger and blame your partner for feeling disrespected however bare in mind that you teach people how to treat you based on what you do, what you don’t do, by what you say, by what you don’t say, by what you accept and what you don’t accept.

YOU are accountable to YOU, for how others treat you and if you don’t like it, then, do something about it. Bitching and complaining will only get you as far as you can spit and last as long as it takes the sun to dry it on a hot sweltering day.

If you are not feeling secure, loved, honoured, respected or valued in your relationship then you need to share that with your partner and not make the small stuff the catalyst by which to communicate your hurt, because let’s face it, not all partners maybe wise enough to figure it out. Your hurt and the reason for it should not be a mystery.

38 comments:

  1. I think that everything you have said is correct.

    I also think that these things tend to happen after a relationship is older, and you would think wiser. You don’t wake up one morning and find that all of a sudden the cap is off the toothpaste and that it really bugs you. For some reason people use this as a venue to attack their partner in a passive aggressive manner. "You left the toothpaste off again!" means "Don’t you care about me enough to listen to what I ask?""You idiot! You left the toilet seat up again" means "Does my comfort mean nothing to you?""Listen to me when I’m talking to you" during their favorite TV show means "Prove that you love me by sacrificing the time you spend with the show to be with me""Your going out tonight with your friends?" means "You wouldn’t prefer to spend that time with me?"These are all valid concerns between two people, but if they aren’t communicated properly (which people tend to forget as the relationship progresses) then it becomes a vicious cycle of nagging and whining. As the eloquent author of this blog indicated – you alone are responsible for your happiness, and if you aren’t willing to communicate honestly with your partner then you should expect that nothing will change. And it you really care about those small things, and there is no agenda behind them…buy a flip top toothpaste, a little contraption that flips the seat down after it was flushed (I’m sure they have em), Hit the mute on commercials, and invite your partner out for a night together – or as was suggested go out with you own friends on the nights they are out.Peace!Interested reader

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    1. hmmmmm.....astute response and good suggestions. thank you for your insight

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  2. truer words were never saidi like the way you think, feelfrom the mouth of angels to God’s ears^^d~

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  3. one question I Fit was all small stuff…why does it hurt so much?oxymoronically, dawn~

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    1. It hurts because it disguise the real stuff as Kay pointed out, feeling not cared for, not a priority etc.

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  4. Hey!I agree with you on every example visited. But I have to say that, to my understanding, you are overlooking something here.The "little things" act as the detonant of something greater. They appear to be little things. But every sane adult can tell that leaving the toothpaste uncapped or the toilet sit up (to which I’ve always replied that if I have to leave it down, it should be let up for me and that always ends my arguments) is not the end of the world. It’s what lies beneath that worries them, and, oddly enough, a thriller starring Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer.It’s the meaning of these actions what causes friction. Is that "I truly could not care less about you" feeling that they get from their partners. So it’s important for people who want to remain toghether not to realize this. How can you stay with someone after accepting as a fact that they don’t care enough about you to look away from a meaningless TV to listen to the person that’s supposed to be loved by them till the end of time (let’s say)?And of course, little people realize their feelings with such clarity. They’re not aware of the message they’re sending, and they’re not aware that they’re not fighting about dried-out toothpaste.But what was the point I was trying to make…?Ah, yes!Michelle Pfeiffer is hot.

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    1. hmmmmmmm.....good points, "what lies beneath shouldn't be a secret take the of something else." If we negate ourselves how then do we expect others to validate us?

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  5. Wonderful post Rhapsody. Everything you mentioned is really common sense but then again that seems to a commodity that is lacking in some people. Being of the male gender I suppose I could make the counter argument as to why I have to lift the seat. Why can't you leave it up? Don't you look where you place your butt? But that's just me being argumentative. Once again, good post.

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    1. Thanks....
      There is always a rebuttal which equates sometimes to a dog chasing its tail.

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  6. After 25 years of marriage, there is nothing left to sweat. I don't see those socks on the floor and he doesn't fret about my hair products on the bathroom counter. It simply is not that important. And if the seat is up (it usually isn't, by the way), there is nothing wrong with my hands. I can put it down. I might sigh to myself but there is really no need to make a federal case about it. Life's too short and there are bigger fish to fry and many, many other things to consider in life.

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    1. Alright then, smart, reasonable.
      25 years, wow fanfrickingtastic! May you have 25 more!

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  7. Valuable lessons here, thanks for sharing this. I like the way you've pointed out the obvious that many often miss. In the long run this advice will save us from many heartaches.

    Looking back on it, after you so eloquently pointed it out...if we decide to sweat the small stuff...we are making problems for ourselves.

    After 44 years of marriage to the same man, I can testify to this, it pays not to 'Sweat the small Stuff'.

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    1. wow 44 years! Mamamia, thanks for sharing that, "it pays not to sweat the small stuff." You and Jazzwife have my respect, so many years of marriage, i applaud and envy you both.

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  8. Oh yea, Google+ and tweeted this.

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  9. I miss the wisdom I gain from here...Very well said too!

    How have you been? Its been a long while

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    1. It has been a while. I am blessed and trying always to keep that knowledge in the forefront of my mind and heart.

      peace and thanks for stopping by.

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  10. I completely agree. I have learnt this lesson well. I don't sweat the small stuff and i choose mmy battle wisely. No need giving my self stress

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    1. Ah for one so young to have already gotten that lesson speaks volumes of your character, keep on keeping on my sistah, keep on keeping on.

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  11. It's all a matter of perspective, I guess, to what matters to you. Small may be big or big may be small in some encounter or experience as life tends to deal us at odd moments. But admittedly what may be huge to us may not be so a few years from now. Small stuff-big stuff.. they're all part of the same package called life. And also subject to change.

    This is another interesting post and read, as you always do. Thank you for this pleasure. Blessings!





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    1. hmmmmm.....good philosophical points

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  12. You are so right! We did have a solution to the toothpaste thing. We each have our own tubes. :-)

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    1. Ah a proactive woman......is that part of your secret to a long marriage? I know you to have been married a long time like Dellgirl & Jazzwife.

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  13. You put the power of choice and responsibility right back in our hands, which is exactly where it belongs.

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    1. amen!
      May we know what a blessing it is!

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  14. Tootheaste : you ha few lesons with us but not much with in my heart only special one special one is you to stop the situation and try something new.
    Toilet seat up: Check the ceat before you seat ...the apparent length of time you reality of warning to you to safe quared youeself...
    Thank you for this very importants with the ladys idea.
    Also your trying to interesting post for me.
    But as you know we have too much raining for over the month only two days was sunny day...

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    1. Accountability is a two-way street, there are options and alternatives on the other side as well.

      Glad i was able to peek your interest.

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  15. My older sis said this years ago and I never forgot it: "You can't make someone else responsible for your happiness"...even your partner. Your post hits the point right there.

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  16. I like the piece about 'left home alone'
    Through some soul searching I have filtered my friendship circles and distant myself from the ones who have no purpose, my mum says show me your friends and I will show you your character.

    I try to enjoy my own company which can sometimes be daunting, but after a while it is so worth it. xox

    Diary Of A Shallow Black Girl

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    1. I too love my own company though its good to take the time to foster great friendships.

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  17. Hmmm loved this post very much......I ought to find a tiny box and fill it with the small stuff about time!!

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