Dec 5, 2012

39 Infidelity- My response To A Blog

extramarital-affairInfidelity and age old question that continues to be the topic on everyone’s lips, and on blogs on every platform, my recent browse through blogger-sphere prove that the question is still alive and well. It all reminded me of an article I encountered some years ago on a blog called RELATIONSHIP BLOG CITY which featured the article WHY MEN CHEAT.” I tried to find the  link again for your reading pleasure unfortunately it no longer seem to exist. I do however have a small excerpt from the article that says:

Excerpt: “Why men cheat: if you think it's only about getting some, think again. Baggage and bad judgment—and even a woman's own behaviour—are often at the root of a man's betrayal

 

Needless to say this got my attention. You know I had a response right, (see below) and don’t be shy, let me know what you think and jump in on any comments of fellow participants below who weighed in on the subject.

 

MY RESPONSE TO "Why Men Cheat"

 

The issue of fidelity or infidelity rather has long since been debated. Men blame women for their straying and women blame men for their straying but the reality is all the cheater needs to do is hold up a mirror and see where the accountability lies. I have often heard some psychiatrist; psychologist, counsellor and other varied therapist list a myriad of reasons, as to why a love one cheats and they frequently miss the one true fact, CHOICE. Men and women cheat because they want to and because they can.

 

It may sound reasonable to say I cheated because my wife stop having sex with me, or my wife emasculates me, or my husband never comes home, or he never pays any attention to me, bringing feelings of outraged that may seem to validate the act of cheating. But I would dare to say that there are always other choices as well. Either of which could include marriage/couples counselling, individual counselling, mutual agreement towards working on having better communication or walking away from the relationship.

 

If things are so bad why stay there and cheat instead of leaving? The reality is each person is responsible for his or her own happiness and pointing at the other partner that may clearly be wrong does not justify having sex with someone else. It is very simple yet complex due to the emotional piece but bluntly put, people cheat because they want to, let’s face it there will always be a reason to do something contrary in a relationship because nobody’s perfect and while the other partner may very well be doing things that may seem like it is advocating stepping outside the relationship to have needs met whether it be emotional, physical or otherwise, committing the act is still a choice. Many people go through hardships in relationships and do not cheat, not much separates them from those that do cheat except choice.

 

When people neglect to honour their selves and have emotional integrity in their relationships they become a participant in their own hurt. Any refusal to deal with the toxicity that infiltrates a relationship in preference to doing nothing is a death sentence to its sustainability. Burying ones head in the sand only to have ones ass exposed while secretly hoping he/she will see the silent suffering only seeks to diminish self-worth, and scarify self-esteem.

 

A relationship involves more than one person and each person has a responsibility to self, each other, and the health and longevity of the connection. The person that makes the choice to cheat is not blameless in the relationship regardless of the circumstances. One person cannot be solely responsible for the feelings of inadequacies of the other although they may contribute to it.

 

Relationships is hard work, we work at being the best we can be at our jobs, university/college, sports etc., yet when it comes to personal relationships people often expect it to “happen” to just go on beautifully without the application of effort. Life is not a fairytale, it’s not Disneyland where everything is well orchestrated to give you the thrill of your life without peaks and valleys, people save it for the movies and throw out the fairytale and get in tuned with the reality.

 

Relationships can be fantastic with many highs and lows. It involves mutual respect, understanding each other’s ways of thinking, being, and acting. There is no law that says you must agree on everything but respect is vital.  Sometimes you must agree to disagree. The universal fact of the matter is people need to know that they are valued, loved and cherished for who they are, as they are and that they are enough.

 

If you have tried all you can and it is still not working, then take a stand and get out but do not bitch and complain while screwing someone else and still have the nerve to go home to the house and partner whose character you’ve  maligned. Cheating is a coward’s way. It is a way to get something new and explore hidden desires and use the excuses of your partner’s shortcomings as justification to advocate your actions. If you are going to cheat, at least be honest about why.

39 comments:

  1. Hey Fabz,

    You speak with conviction about cheating, and I respect that. However, you’re underestimating the all-encompassing power of deeply-rooted reasons which can drive a man or woman to seek illicit sex.

    In one scenario, people’s pasts can truly rob them of their sense of self, of their ability to enjoy monogamous sex, an entity limited quantitatively by its own identity. In this case, such unfortunate persons are uncontrollably compelled to find the fulfillment they need any way they can, even at the price of eventually feeling ashamed by their own unbridled lust.

    So am I saying, infidelity is OK? No, but in certain cases, infidelity is an unpleasant yet unavoidable reality.

    Richard

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    1. hmmmmm...interesting point, however
      Infidelity is not an inevitability it is a choice. Everyone is tempted at some point or the other regardless of past traumas, dramas and contexts. The reality is infidelity despite the circumstances, motivations, or demons is still a choice.

      The truth is one need not staple their selves to monogamy or monogamous relationships however in making that decision one should then seek partnerships that allow for the mutual liberalism in sexual exploits. There are too many varying types of relationships that would allow for liberal sexuality to have people indiscriminately screwing around and hurting people because they choose not to control their libido.

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    2. Exactly. Infidelity is a choice one makes.

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    3. Absolutely, i believe that, sure many may give arguments that support the behavior and even if they are right and the person did/didn't do this or that its still no justification simply because there is the option to choose. In a word, choice trumps all the arguments good, bad or indifferent because its a way out not an excuse to surrender to ones carnal/other urges/desires/wants.

      Delete
  2. G’Day Fab,
    Wow controversial topic you have today, interesting read.

    Have a lovely day!
    Hugs from devil’s land
    Carlos

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    Replies
    1. Is it truly controversial though or are we simply willing to have an open dialogue about our behaviors as human beings that can be unhealthy and destructive?

      Infidelity as old as time has seen Kingdoms fall and lives destroyed. It ain't new, what's new is we are willing to have an honest dialogue about it. What would be enlightening is to see "us" own it and be accountable.

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  3. Life is change and the acceptance and acknowledgment that a relationship’s a dynamic living system; composed of two organisms interacting in a living environment, is crucial.

    It is natural that the relationship should go through stages… Infidelity is indeed, a very difficult, negative situation. But before pronouncing the relationship dead, one of the most
    beneficial things we can do when it happens, is to simply stand back, assess the situation. (and arm ourselves with as much knowledge as
    possible about the patterns of change in relationships.)

    We may discover the very time when we may feel most disappointed… that a profound transformation can occur. These transitional periods can become pivotal points when true love can begin to mature and flower.

    The relationship may no longer be based on intense passion,or the feeling that we are merged with each other as the embodiment of perfection, or the feeling that we are merged with the other. But in
    exchange for that, we are now in a position to truly begin to know the
    other. To see the other as a separate individual , with faults and weaknesses perhaps, by forgiving each other and looking at it from the future, we can make a genuine commitment to the growth of another
    human being— an act of true love.

    p/s: I’m alright..:-) better for your asking. Thank you for your kind wishes. I hope you’re in the prime of being fabulicious !

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    1. hmmmmmmm....I like that, profound, thanks for sharing.

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  4. Today I read the topic ‘why do men cheat.’ I skimed a few coments and wondered why people won’t just discuss men and forget about the women for a minute. Better yet why is the topic "why do men and women cheat?’

    My feeling on this subject of why men cheat:

    Men who cheat are sad, lonely, and emotionally disconnected from their partners. While the women frequently think they are the victims, a cheating man cheats himself first and foremost. No matter what the culture dictates, no man wants to be committed to a woman who cannot meet his needs.

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    1. hmmmmmm.....I was with you until you said "no man wants to be committed to a woman who cannot meet his needs." and my response would be so GET OUT, LEAVE, have the balls to rise up and stand up and say this is not what i want, but don't stay and indulge in selfish, destructive promiscuous behavior that could ultimately hurt another emotionally, psychologically, and at times physically. Have the courage and conviction to say, "this is not what I want, it is not meeting my needs" and they can either work it out through counselling etc or go there separate ways. This is true for both parties involve as far as I am concerned its not about gender rather its about personal integrity and the courage to be honest even why life is crashing around your ears.

      It is not solely a woman's responsibility to meet a man's needs, she is not a genie, a mind reader nor is she God. It is astounding to me how women are expected to be a man's everything, including wife, lover, therapist, accountant and everything in between. A man is not absolved of his responsibilities, not to himself, not to his wife/lover/family. The same expectation held to a woman is held to a man. He is not absolved because he has a penis dangling between his legs or because he has disconnection issues, frankly that is not an excuse. Welcome to the real world, we all have issues and it does not absolve us of accountability nor does it give us a pass for acting without personal integrity.

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  5. hmmmmm very interesting read. I also agree it is a choice and if your relationship is not working after trying time and time again it is time to break free and move on. Cheating only adds to the problem among other things.

    peace, love & light.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hello! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment.

    As for this subject you’ve posted on …. I was someone who was cheated on for a lengthy period of time. Not wanting and failing to see the signs that are so clear to me now but was too much "in love" or perhaps in plain old denial. Nevertheless it was a learning experience … a painful one at that … to say the least.

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  7. Hi!! Thanks for visiting, hope you had fun over there, do come again!!

    My opinion on cheating and cheaters is always that one word CHOICE!! Nothing more, nothing less. People cheat because they want to, that’s the simple truth!

    Enjoy the rest of your week!

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  8. It is very very avoidable. Thanks for adding that marriage is not a fairy tale. The sooner every couple leaves fairy tale and what we see on the big screen and begin to face reality, the better for us all.

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    1. True, often we want the fantasy without the work.

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  9. My opinion is this: Anyone who cheats let man or woman is doing it for him/her, the benefit or defeat will go back to him/her. The cheater is empty and seeks to fill that emptiness however; cheating may not be the best solution

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    1. hmmmmm....the bottomless pit of need? Perhaps

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  10. It's also time women stopped giving themselves excuses as to why they are 'helping' a man cheat. Women say stuff like: oh, she's not a good wife, she is no longer sleeping with him.

    My advice to these women: You are not his agony bedroom consultant. Let him sort out his own mess. Stay away!

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    1. Ah sistah, this is another topic that would take a book. You are so right, women also take on the blame and responsibility for their men cheating and the reasons run the gambit. We often here/think..
      *What is wrong with me?
      *Am I not good enough?
      *Am I too fat?
      *Am I too thin?
      *Am I not sexy enough?
      *Maybe I don't clean the house enough
      *Maybe Maybe Maybe....on and on women torture themselves, twisting themselves into a knot and trying to reinvent their selves into what they feel their men need often crossing personal boundaries that rob them of their self-esteem and self-worth.

      You are so right!
      Thank you for sharing, it was refreshing and enlightening.

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  11. " Relationships is hard work, we work at being the best we can be at our jobs, university/college, sports etc., yet when it comes to personal relationships people often expect it to “happen” to just go on beautifully without the application of effort. Life is not a fairytale, it’s not Disneyland where everything is well orchestrated to give you the thrill of your life with you peaks and valleys people, save it for the movies and throw out the fairytale and get in tuned with the reality."

    This alone sums it all for me.. U work to have it and must work extra to keep it going :) Lovely.

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    1. Ah Darling, you are so right and therein lies the challenge because temptation is always around the corner, the grass always look greener on the other side and the gold always glitters most brightest from across the room.

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  12. Nothing justifies cheating-it is a choice we make. Life is all about the choices we make. Cheating is a cowardly response to a relationship dilemma. It is easier to cheat than try to work through the problems that is pushing one to cheat. The way I see it, cheating, which is a common thing, is a manifestation of a dearth of true love in our society. I say this because, if you love someone genuinely, and are patient/willing enough to give it a try, there's no problem that cannot be sorted out. However, in a situation where one cannot cope with an unhealthy situation, it is more honorable to walk away than to cheat; but of course, there is a dearth of honorable people as well. When the challenges of life hit, one's true character emerges. One who is not a cheat, will not cheat, if push comes to shove; but will seek an alternative way out of the problem. No matter how some people try to tweak it, cheating is not the solution as it merely causes one set of problems to be exchanged for another.

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  13. Emotional disconnection leads to cheating. It is often never as simple as horniness or being a dog but more about a lack of attachment to a spouse. The translation is often sexual but the reality is more complicated. While it is a choice, the choice is often made by a severely flawed individual who feels the cheating will fill a void or provide excitement or faux connection. Cheating is harmful, hurtful, destructive and oh so wrong, but if the underlaying make-up of the cheater is one of loneliness, failure, boredom, disconnection combined with opportunity and someone shaking an available ass in one's face, the temptation may be too great for the weak in mind, heart and flesh. Women cheat too. But, make no mistake, it is most definitely, first and foremost, a choice. People, choose wisely!

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    1. Brilliantly said, it is why one's responsibility to oneself must be honored and in this case that responsibility sound look like that person working on their self, seeking the help they need to get where they need to be to live a healthy, productive and happy life.

      Absolutely women cheat, like i said, its not about gender rather behavior.

      peace.
      thanks for sharing, it was enlightening.

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  14. Definitely a controversial topic -all the comments so far pretty much sums it all up. You have a choice to cheat or not to cheat. My take: If a relationship isn't going so great any more-communication is key...lay all the cards on the table. It's better to opt out of a relationship with dignity-than to cheat your way out of it.

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    1. Ah you're so right about communication, good unadulterated honesty that take courage to lay it all on the line, few have that courage because it requires looking in, accountability and responsibility for one's actions and inaction. Not many are comfortable with that, it's must easier to point the finger and blame other.

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  15. A very thorough reply to the age old question and I agree that at the root of the issues is a personal choice. Although many things can be contributing factors. But at the end of day and with all factors, a choice still remains.

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  16. I think it far more complicated than we make it sound like. It really depends on people's personalities - some couples have a lot of problems but they don't cheat. Others do cheat on trivial things like my spouse is too busy for me. It depends on how much one loves, and how strong or fickle their personalities are, I suppose.

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    1. Of course there are complexities to the issue. Regardless of the dynamics, excuses-legitimate or imagined one truth remains in spite of/regardless of the levels of complexity - Choice. In the end no matter how we feel, how justified and validate it simmers down to choice, do we cross that threshold from fidelity to infidelity? Do we confront the problem/partner and seek alternative methods of dealing if we find that we want to hold on to the relationship? Do we say, "enough" and move on? Or do we hedge our bets, stay, have a little fling/flings on the side and continue to contaminate the already toxic relationship all the while justifying our failure to take accountability and responsibility for ourselves and our actions.

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  17. You mentioned its a choice and if things do get so unbearable leave rather cheat. But whats our worst enemy? Fear and potential change postpones everything we do in life.

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    1. Yeah FEAR is big, there are worst things though and STD's just happen to one of them. The fact is most people that cheat don't use protection. Cheating is not just an emotional and psychological issue it is a HEALTH issue-AIDS is no joke and there are many other deadly STDs for which there is no cure. The faithful spouse health (unbeknownst to them) is at risk. The act of sex involves the exchange of bodily fluids (as we all know), those fluids then gets pass on from one person to another, an another and so on, it doesn't get washed away with a shower. The unsuspecting spouse then unwillingly/unknowingly inherits becomes a repository for whatever the cheating spouse picks up in their sexual exploits/adventures. These are not things considered by the cheater no thoughts go beyond the pleasure principle.

      Cheating is a selfish act, there is no thought for or of the other person in the couple equation, its only about the "I" the "Me", the "gratification of carnal needs," the "what can I get/continue to take to make me feel good."

      Sure its frightening thinking of going it alone when you have been in a long term relationship but you know what, at least you have a choice in the matter. The unknown is frightening no matter what and there are no guarantees in life but living with a serial cheater is far worst and way more risky than temporarily going it alone or opening up oneself to the possibility of meeting someone with more self-worth and integrity.

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  18. Wow very passionate response.....I was married for several years and this served to shape a significant part of my life and what next. whilst the love in the marriage relationship turned somewhat sour my faith in the ever after diminished but still you have to stick at certain things and work through them. On this occssion I graciously took my mother's advice "no one can drink bitter medicine for you" so if things are no longer working leave it will hurt but again better than deviating. So I did myself a favour and got out. I tell you what its the best decision especially when you are able to
    find YOU all over again.

    And in view of STD's I agree there is a plethora of those nasties and the woman/man at home at least the unsuspecting will more than likely be subjected to the result of an unfaithful. It's a sad to think sometimes relationships lose that important adhesive which keeps things together. Lose the art of communication in a relationship and cracks appear, what matters the most is learning to bridge the gap as soon as the two people in the relationship realise this...

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    1. Yeah I suppose, I don't think you would want it any other way? Letting go of relationships are hard, forgiving a cheating spouse is hard, some are able to do it and be the better for it, if its a one time thing, but habitually well that is a horse of a different color all together. I don't condone infidelity on any level but i understand the complexities that comes intertwined. It is up to each individual to decide what they can/can't, will/won't put up with, what their limitations are as long as they are clear about all the risks and hazards involved. Infidelity was never a straight forward issue and it will never be but in today's world the consequences are a lot deadlier, literally. When one strip away the excuses, the justifications, the he say, she say, if onlys, should haves, could haves and would have liked the truth remains unchanged, CHOICE no matter the words one uses to articulate and house it in.

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